2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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