This is not my ceiling
If she's not going to maintain the upkeep of her vag then I'm not going to pay the rent of being her boyfriend
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Randomize
