If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
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