I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
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