I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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