I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
Randomize
