i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
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