the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
E drugging s springing. Ease dnt Kate. To t e. ess e I meant thou.
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
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