SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize