Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
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