Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Is there a reason there's a dick print on my seventh-story window?
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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