It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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