How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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