At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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