Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
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