At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I am available for nakedness
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
