I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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