I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
I have a tattoo that says Yolo. You should not have been asking my advice in the first place
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Same encounter she body slammed me to the floor and than humped me
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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