i need an iv and a liver transplant
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Randomize
