No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
Don't EVER smell your tampon
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
