My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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