Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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