He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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