He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
