nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
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