after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
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