I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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