I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
