Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
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