Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
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