I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
You asked me what the point was. Told me your were dying alone and then had me take you and Wendy's where you bought 3 meals and ate them in about 10 minutes saying you didn't care if you got fat...
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Randomize
