I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
you mean i was at the winter classic?
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
