Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Randomize
