Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
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