you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Worst wingman u don't do ANYTHING but laugh at my incompitant shyness
Randomize
