Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Randomize
