i just realized how high i was when i was screaming red light challenge at the top of my lungs and am watching it alone
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize