I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
