Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
