omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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