hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
well i blew him then my wife blew him, so im guessing we'll be seeing him around, yeah
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
