Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize