ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Randomize
