11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
sorry i was ignoring you last night i accidentally did a bunch of pcp and thought i was inside tron
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
