I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
