it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Omg I joined a choir last night...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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