If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
