Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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