Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
