that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
