During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
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