At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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