handjob tips. give me some.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Dick is the cure to depression. I'm almost positive. And cough syrup.
Randomize
