thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize