After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
two words: eviction party
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Mom said you looked used
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Lo siento on account of my penis...
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
