I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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