I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
was that you i just saw walking down the street in only one heel smoking a cig yelling "hello sexuals" to everyone who passed??
HELLLLLO SEXUAL BEING
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