All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
