Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
We just all danced like dinosaurs in the center of the dance floor.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
he was wearing a tuxedo, i was naked...it's a long story.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
I wish! That ended in 2001 when we all got collectively band from the Settle Inn. As a group we are also band from social events at the zoo. It's impressive really.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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