Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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