i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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