Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Randomize
