dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
