Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
