I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I just watched our fat male neighbor dibble a soccer ball across the lawn. It looked like Baywatch with diabetes
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
Randomize
