What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Randomize
