When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Directions to your booty call: go down the part of Route 66 that has all the car dealerships, motels and bad decisions, go past the Christian college and turn left at the Children's Center.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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